Apparently I play golf now.
About 11 months ago I was still learning what half the clubs in my bag actually did. Since then, I’ve somehow played 13 different golf courses, acquired a handicap, won my first Ambrose competition, had my first birdie, lost an offensive number of golf balls and discovered that golf courses range from fancy clubs with dress codes to places where you put $5 in an honesty box and hope you don’t get shot by the gun club next door.
So I thought it was time for a completely unofficial review.
A disclaimer before anyone gets upset about my assessment of their beloved golf club: I am not reviewing course architecture.
I cannot tell you about sophisticated bunker placement or the strategic brilliance of the 14th green.
I can tell you whether I could find the next hole, whether the staff made me feel welcome, whether there was somewhere to pee, whether I lost six balls, whether there were kangaroos and, importantly, whether I’d go back.
And honestly, as a woman who is still relatively new to golf, those things matter.
So here we go.
The Sands Torquay
The one where I got my first birdie.
I’ve played The Sands twice – once with a male friend who was a member and once by myself. The second time I used a Future Golf token because some of my golf girls were becoming members and I wanted to make sure I actually liked it.
I do.
It’s pretty, flat and long, with lovely fairways, wildlife and houses surrounding parts of the course. It also gave me my first ever birdie, so obviously it holds a special place in my golfing heart.
The staff in the pro shop were really helpful and the clubhouse has a great atmosphere, particularly sitting outside in the sun with a drink and something to eat.
There is, however, one condition attached to my return.
Check the weather.
The Sands in nice weather? Lovely.
The Sands in the wind? Absolutely not. I’m not interested in fighting both my golf swing AND Mother Nature.
Would I go back? Definitely – on a sunny day.
The Sands Torquay | Coastal Resort & Golf Course
Malvern Valley Golf Course
The surprise package.
Malvern Valley was our first proper Golf Girls day out trip. We picked it largely because it was near one of the Golf Girls house and I knew absolutely nothing about it.
I loved it.
You’ve got trams running around nearby, people wandering through on their daily walks, ducks, water and somehow, despite being in Melbourne, it feels a little like you’ve escaped onto a country course.
It also has really good energy.
I shot 100 here, which I was very happy with until the final hole apparently decided I’d become too confident.
There is a waterway running across it and by that point we were tired. Between us, the balls just started disappearing.
I personally lost six.
SIX.
By the end we weren’t even angry anymore.
One of the more fascinating features of Malvern Valley is the number of people casually walking across the course while you’re playing. They appear completely unconcerned by the possibility that one of us may accidentally launch a golf ball directly at them.
That confidence is admirable.
The outdoor tables are a great spot for a post-round drink and some people watching.
For the price, this one is very hard to beat. Around $40 for 18holes
Would I go back? Absolutely.
My award: Best value.
Home – Malvern Valley | Public Golf Course
Barwon Valley Golf Club
Where my handicap journey started.
Barwon Valley is an important one for me because this is where I first started playing rounds to get my handicap.
I put a post in the Geelong Golf Academy Facebook group basically asking whether anyone wanted to play golf with me and, more importantly, score me.
Jo answered.
We ended up playing together for months and I only stopped because my work schedule changed.
The course itself is… an experience.
Depending on the time of year, Barwon Valley can feel like you’re playing golf in either a desert or a swamp.
During December, January and February I played on fairways that were dry and cracked. I returned around August/September and wondered whether I should have brought gumboots.
That said, it’s reasonably beginner-friendly, I really like the back nine, the players generally chat and have a laugh, the undercover driving range is handy and the pro shop has a good vibe.
I also won my first Ambrose competition here, so it gets points for that.
The clubhouse confuses me.
Outside? Great deck. Total vibe.
Inside? Doctor’s waiting room.
It’s got a wood fire and so much potential, but somehow the white walls and long lights have sucked its personality out.
Would I go back? Yes, but mainly if mates wanted to play there.
Queens Park
Where the Golf Girls happened.
Queens Park will always be special because it’s where our little Golf Girls group really came together.
Teesh put up a post asking if anyone wanted to play. We all turned up and essentially met each other there.
And here we are. This is where we coined ourselves as the Golf Bandits.
Queens Park has a great slightly old-world golf feel. Even the toilets and change rooms feel like they’ve got stories. The front nine is good, but I particularly like the bushy feel of the back nine.
The driving range is rustic, it’s affordable and the people are friendly.
The greens, however, are approximately 40% grass and 60% trampoline.
The first hole heads uphill and gets your heart rate going immediately, while holes six and seven are close enough together that our balls have occasionally decided to play the neighbouring hole instead.
But nobody takes themselves too seriously, which is exactly what I want.
Would I go back? Definitely.
My award: The course where friendships started.
Club Barham
The solo golf adventure.
I played Club Barham by myself after taking myself away for a weekend. The clubs were in my ute, I had a Future Golf voucher and thought – why not?
The young guy in the pro shop was fantastic. Helpful, welcoming and, importantly when you’re a woman turning up alone somewhere unfamiliar, he made me feel safe.
The course runs alongside the river and it was my first time playing somewhere with a proper river environment and loads of wildlife around me.
I loved it.
I finished the round in about three-ish hours, which apparently offended one older gentleman who informed me I was moving through the course too quickly and suggested I must have been cheating. it was a flat and easy course.
I wasn’t.
I just don’t muck around.
Another gentleman offered to be my caddy.
I said yes, because in my mind this meant, Excellent, this bloke is going to push my cart.
He then informed me his wife probably wouldn’t approve.
Sir.
I was talking about the golf cart.
Anyway.
The signage between some holes could be improved, but I managed. At one point I lost a ball and somehow found it two fairways over, which feels like an achievement in itself.
Would I go back? Definitely.
Portarlington Golf Club
Very good… but maybe slightly overhyped?
Kristy — one of my OG Golf Girls — and I went to Portarlington because we’d heard so many people rave about it.
And to be fair, it is a really nice golf course.
The greens were fantastic, some fairways are quite narrow, there are ducks everywhere and it’s clearly signed and easy to navigate. There are also toilets around the course, which deserves more recognition in golf-course reviews than it gets.
The tee times felt fairly close together, though, and we kept getting backed up.
Eventually we met a father and son from Ballarat, Andrew and Jack, and joined them from the ninth onwards, which turned out to be great fun.
The guy in the pro shop was also a legend – funny, chatty and really helpful.
And then there’s the speaker system at the first tee announcing who is supposed to tee off.
We were not prepared for that.
It made us laugh.
Portarlington is good. I’d happily play it again. I just went in after hearing SO much hype that I was expecting something life-changing.
It wasn’t life-changing.
It was just a very good golf course.
And that’s completely fine.
HOME – Portarlington Golf Club
Mathoura Golf Club
What the actual hell is a sand green?
Mathoura humbled me.
This was my first proper bush-course experience and I went by myself because it’s near my bush house and I wanted to explore.
Firstly: sand greens.
I didn’t know this was a thing.
Secondly: the course is next to a gun club and apparently you can’t play when they’re practising because they shoot down towards the first and second tees.
Again.
I did not know this was a thing.
The whole experience felt like I’d accidentally unlocked a completely different version of golf.
It’s $5 to play via an honour system. There’s no obvious person waiting to greet you. You need to be completely self-sufficient. You’re basically playing golf amongst gum trees and trusting that you’ll work it out.
I met the club president, who invited me to play in the Sunday competition, but unfortunately it rained.
I’ll be back.
My biggest issue wasn’t actually the golf.
It was snakes.
On the third hole I lost six balls because they kept landing under a tree surrounded by drums and there was absolutely no way I was putting my hands under there.
Those balls belong to nature now.
The course requires a surprisingly broad skill set and the signage could be clearer, but that’s also part of its charm.
Would I go back? Weirdly, yes.
My award: The course that humbled me.
Mathoura Golf Club – Golf.com.au
Rich River Golf Club
Wait… someone brings drinks TO YOU?
I played Rich River on a date on a day that was approximately four thousand degrees.
Realistically, it was around 40°C.
It’s near my bush house and I’d heard about it forever. I also stayed at the resort over Christmas as a kid, so going back there to play golf felt a little nostalgic.
This was also the day I discovered the bar cart.
Apparently there are golf courses where a man drives around and BRINGS YOU DRINKS.
Why had nobody told me this?
It was so hot that I spent a reasonable portion of the round trying to convince him he should just follow us permanently.
Buggy. Beers. Good company. Toilets around the course.
Suddenly golf seemed very civilised.
Rich River isn’t just somewhere you turn up, smash out 18 holes and leave. It’s a whole destination. It’s the kind of course where you feel like you should put on a cute golf outfit and make a day of it.
Would I go back? Yep.
My award: Biggest surprise -purely because apparently BAR CARTS EXIST.
Rich River Golf Club & Resort Moama
Eynesbury Golf
Beautiful. Fun. Completely unhinged.
Eynesbury is currently the hardest course I’ve played.
I went on a date and we both had Future Golf tokens. I’d had trouble booking online for the Saturday, rang them, and they managed to fit us in at 11am.
The staff were lovely.
The course?
Violence.
It’s absolutely beautiful – country aesthetic, old buildings, hay sheds, little shady spots and gorgeous scenery.
It’s also full of opportunities to lose golf balls.
In hindsight I probably should have stood at the second tee, thrown ten balls directly into the water and saved myself four hours.
There are bunkers with STAIRCASES to get out of them.
If your bunker needs building regulations, that’s probably an indication of what I’m dealing with.
And yet…
I had SO much fun.
The old bluestone buildings, restaurant and clubhouse atmosphere make the whole place feel like an experience rather than just a round of golf.
Would I go back? Absolutely.
But I’m bringing cheap balls.
My awards: Hardest course AND most fun.
Golf Course Melbourne | Eynesbury Estate | Eynesbury Golf
Barwon Heads Golf Club
Fancy golf.
I played Barwon Heads with Kristy and Montanna – two of the OG people I learnt to play with.
It’s beautiful. It’s fancy. There’s a dress code.
It also feels like there’s a slight expectation that you already know what you’re doing.
We did not.
The pro shop answered our questions but was fairly matter-of-fact, and when we wanted to use the driving range we discovered we needed a token and had to trek back to the pro shop to sort it as the machine was an issue.
Not disastrous. Just one of those moments where, as a newer golfer, you realise established clubs sometimes assume you know the system.
The actual golf, though?
I loved it.
A group of men let us play ahead of them on the first.
We warned them:
“We’re shit. We’re beginners.”
They basically said it was fine.
Then I stepped up and launched my ball from the tee onto the green.
Naturally.
It was also the first course where I managed to send a ball beautifully across water and actually land it on the green instead of donating it to the lake.
There are bunkers, water, snake signs and plenty to keep you interested.
Would I go back? Absolutely.
Fancy, but fun.
Home – The Barwon Heads Golf Club
Clifton Springs Golf Club
Everything rolls towards the ocean.
Before playing Clifton Springs, someone gave us one crucial piece of information:
The greens slope towards the sea.
Thank God they did.
Because apparently gravity becomes an additional player here.
Kristy and I played it during one of our Future Golf explorations. It’s easy enough to navigate and there are ducks, wildlife and lovely views.
The fairways can be narrow and close together, which occasionally means your golf ball decides another person’s fairway looks more appealing.
This is how we met Janet. Janet is a version of a Karen but in a cute outfit.
Janet wanted to know why I had hit my ball onto her fairway.
I explained that I hadn’t actually meant to.
She appeared horrified by this information.
Kristy and I thought it was hilarious.
Most of the other members were friendly and chatty, and the staff were excellent – offering information rather than waiting for us to know which questions to ask.
I also love the slightly old-world toilets.
Would I go back? Yes with fun people, although there are other courses I’d choose first.
Cohuna Golf Club
My prettiest course – and still one of my favourites.
I LOVE Cohuna.
I played by myself on a Monday and there were barely any other golfers around, despite the lawn bowls absolutely pumping nearby.
The course felt like some strange golfing fairyland.
Kangaroos. Ducks. River. Wildlife everywhere.
And the animals don’t politely move because you’ve arrived with a golf club.
At one point I had kangaroos literally fighting in front of my ball while I stood there wondering exactly what the etiquette is when your shot is being guarded by two boxing marsupials.
I eventually hit it.
The golf itself is quite easy, although navigation was less straightforward.
I accidentally started on the tenth because I thought it was the first.
I had figured out my mistake by the twelfth.
Close enough.
The staff were incredibly helpful over the phone and the clubhouse has genuine old-world charm, right down to the old Ladies Entrance and Men’s Entrance signs still hanging there from another era.
It’s peaceful, quirky and completely different from the manicured suburban-club experience.
Would I go back? Absolutely – and I plan to.
My award: Prettiest course.
Cohuna Golf Club | Join Today — Play & Celebrate
East Geelong Golf Club
Home.
East Geelong wins.
This is where I did my intermediate course with Jarryd and where I properly fell in love with golf.
I’ve played here with anyone and everyone.
What I love about East Geelong is that you can arrive in a cute golf outfit or practically straight from work and nobody cares.
It can be easy. It can be challenging. The greens are some of the best I’ve played on and there are gorgeous views.
Hole seven, however, is a long bitch and I hate it.
The biggest thing for me is how comfortable I’ve always felt there.
When I first wanted to play by myself, I was nervous. Louis from the Proshop told me to just go out and play and that if I needed anything, I could call him and he’d come and help me.
That sort of thing matters.
Particularly when you’re a woman learning a sport that can still feel intimidating when you first walk into a club.
People chat. People laugh. Occasionally you encounter a weirdo, but they generally shut up pretty quickly.
And after playing there for approximately SIX MONTHS, I discovered something life-changing.
There’s a toilet near the sixth.
Six months.
Do you know how many times I could have used that information?
The clubhouse itself feels like my nanna’s loungeroom in the absolute best possible way.
Chesterfield lounges. Open fire. Outdoor deck. Old-world charm. It has soul – real soul.
It’s tucked into an inner-city area and I didn’t even know the club existed before I started playing there. Then you meet members who have been coming for decades and understand why.
It’s not the fanciest course I’ve played.
It’s not the hardest.
It’s just the one where I’ve always felt like I belong.
Would I go back?
Always. And every single week I still play here.
My awards: Favourite overall. Friendliest. Best course for a brand-new female golfer.
So, what have I actually learnt?
Thirteen courses in roughly 11 months has taught me that there isn’t really one version of golf.
I’ve played fancy courses with dress codes and speaker systems.
I’ve played a $5 bush course with sand greens, an honour box and gunfire next door.
I’ve played by myself, with women I’d never met before, with friends, with men, on dates and with people who started as random instagram or facebook replies and became genuine friends.
I’ve played with kangaroos fighting beside my ball.
I’ve been accused of cheating because apparently threeish hours is suspiciously efficient.
I’ve accidentally started on the tenth.
I’ve lost six balls on one hole because I was too scared of snakes to retrieve them.
I’ve discovered toilets six months too late.
And I have learnt that apparently there are men whose actual JOB is to drive around a golf course bringing me beer.
What a sport.
But probably the biggest thing I’ve noticed is how much the welcome matters.
When you’re new to golf, you don’t know what you don’t know.
You don’t necessarily know where to pay, where the first tee is, how the driving range works, whether you’re allowed to wear something, where the next hole starts or what strange little club-specific rule everyone else apparently learnt at birth.
The clubs I’ve loved most aren’t necessarily the fanciest ones.
They’re the places where someone in the pro shop smiled, gave me the information I didn’t know I needed and made me feel like I had every right to be there.
That’s why East Geelong remains my favourite.
And it’s probably why I keep exploring.
The completely unofficial awards
Favourite overall: East Geelong
Prettiest: Cohuna
Most fun: Eynesbury
Hardest: Eynesbury
Friendliest: East Geelong
Best clubhouse/food: The Sands Torquay
Best value: Malvern Valley
Course that humbled me: Mathoura
Biggest surprise: Rich River – BAR CARTS!
Course I’d take a brand-new female golfer to: East Geelong
Course I most want to play again: Cohuna
Funniest thing that’s happened on a golf course?
Absolutely not putting that on the internet.
The person who was there knows. Eynesbury knows.
And that’s where that story will remain. 😜
Where to next?
Apparently 13 courses aren’t enough.
Currently sitting on my golf hit list are:
Bannockburn. Trentham. Colac. Lorne. Anglesea. Black Bull. And Royal Melbourne.
Will I eventually get to all of them?
Probably.
Will I lose more balls?
Definitely.
Will I continue reviewing golf courses partly according to their toilets, wildlife, clubhouse personality and whether the pro-shop staff are nice to me?
Also definitely.
Because I’m still relatively new to this sport.
I’m not here to tell you whether a course’s strategic routing represents the pinnacle of Australian golf design.
I’m here to tell you whether I had fun.
And so far?
I really, really have.
